the words hover there on the edges of her mouth -- sliding behind her teeth, like venom. it's a learned response from dozens (if not hundreds) of returned verbal jabs. how many in the new york office would whisper and chortle and reduce her down to nothing but 'captain america's girlfriend'? as though her career rests upon only those laurels. it takes a supreme self-control to reassure herself that natasha likely isn't coming at her with those same old accusations. it's hard to swallow, but this is likely well-intended. ]
I didn't. [ almost a stammer. here is a weakness in agent carter's iron-clad demeanor. ] He didn't. Only, we never...
[If Peggy had asked, she would have found Natasha only too willing to explain that it was her business because Steve was her friend, and Natasha didn't have many friends. Natasha is ready to tell the other woman that she's seen what losing Peggy did to Steve, and that if having a conversation for him, like some kind of school girl she never had the chance to be, then Natasha would be there in cherry lip gloss and knee socks. Some of that determination softens her expression as she responds.]
It's only as complicated as the two of you make it. [Her voice has a low warmth in it as she answers.]
[ she feels about as readily chastised now as she did when jarvis scolded her for standing too much on her own -- cutting herself off from people, from friends, and allies. the truth is, she's likely never made it easy on either of them. a ready flirt, but her feet get cold when commitment hovers on the horizon. ]
Did he put you up to this? [ coward. but the unfairness of such an accusation settles like bile in her throat. peggy's agitation ebbs. in the space beyond her question, she appears almost apologetic. ]
No. And I'm sure he'll be embarrassed that I did it anyway, but I can live with some sad puppy eyes if it means Steve doesn't end up blowing his second chance. [She stays perfectly reasonable, friendly even, and does Peggy the favor of diverting her gaze to the would be shooting range.] Believe me, you don't get those every day. One or two chances to do things right is as much as most of us can as for in a lifetime.
[ she grits her teeth against good sense. how utterly infuriating to brook good argument from someone other than herself -- she feels some of her more bitter bits of brick and mortar flake away.
but she's not without her back-up plan: ] It's hardly fair to him. It could be that a second try at the same chance isn't what he needs. Natasha -- may I call you Natasha? [ barely a heartbeat's pause. ] I don't like talking about this. But I will, because you're his friend. And God knows I am grateful every time I am reminded that he is alive and he is surrounded by friends. He has the 21st century. It's not my place to meddle in that.
[ peggy is a part of steve's past. as much as she wants little more than to grab hold of him here and never let him go, she's cognizant of how re-entering his life might have dragged him backwards. ]
[Natasha inclines her head, only slightly ironic as she gestures that yes, Peggy can call her that.
And she listens, her gaze intent as she listens and takes it in. While she knows she's not going to agree, she wants to pay the other woman that respect. She sees she can't be as familiar with Peggy as with Steve.
No real surprise.]
If you don't mind me saying, you look pretty lively for a ghost.
[It's still a jibe, but Natasha crosses her arms, which forestalls conversation as effectively as if she had raised a hand. She's not a tall or a imposing woman, objectively, but her posture projects a clear sense of control.]
I get what you're saying, and I understand what's holding Steve back. He's afraid he'll lose you. He's here and he's got you and Barnes, and he's got the Avengers. But he's lost a lot—all of us, at one point or another.
But being afraid you'll lose something again isn't a good reason not to grab onto something that's right in front of you and you are right in front of him.
Alive.
Young.
Large as life.
She raises her chin, her lips tightening and lashes fluttering briefly before she continues.
You're both right that this won't last, but nothing does. In our line of work? Any of us could be dead next week. [Example: Peggy dying the day of the UN bombing.] Any day there could be a mission, and we have to choose between the mission and running away with someone you're crazy about. But being fragile or brief doesn't make what we have less precious.
[ the grit of her teeth hints at the sentimentality beneath her stony expression. she's not half as stoic as she wants to be, not least of all in the face of genuine interest. genuine care. peggy survives the fleeting thought that maybe she might see in natasha a worthy successor of her affection.
peggy relents, but only so far as needed to take a seat on the corner of a latched crate. ] He told me his team was solid. He warned me you were good. [ a wry, mirthless smile. look at her, taking advice from a russian-trained spy. the world is very different to how it once was. ]
If I asked you whether he's found anyone else -- would you tell me the truth? Would it be a useless line of questioning?
Truthfully? I'm not asking it so I'll be made happy. [ ... ] Call it doing my due diligence. Having had a rather abrupt upload of fresh memories to my own mind, it's only fitting that I should expect the same to happen to Steve at some point.
[ and how cruel would that be? tying him to a dead relationship with new feelings on the horizon. she's sensitive to the possibility for no other reason than she can empathize with it. ]
He'd have plenty of opportunity if he wanted to take them. [Considering Steve, most of the women and probably no small number of the men working at SHIELD would jump on that if he showed any interest.] And I can't say he's been living in a convent.
But you're not going to be breaking up any happy homes.
[Things might get awkward if Sharon shows up, but Natasha can't be blamed for not knowing the extent of that. Or if she knows, considering it an acceptable risk.]
As intel goes, it's -- helpful. [ peggy exhales. something tense in her relaxes by degrees, as though providence now gives her permission to do precisely what natasha is suggesting she does. carpe diem. ] Sussing the information out from the man himself isn't all that helpful.
[ she can't trust steve not to lie to her on this matter. to spare her feelings, or perhaps to preserve what they've only been flirting with for the time being. ]
Lucky me. [ dry-like. peggy rakes fingers through her curls. ] What a bloody awful conversation you must have had with him, however. [ ... ] Did he blush?
[ let's not be too coy. peggy rather likes it when he blushes. ]
[ an amused snort. her would-be-beau, turned into a noun? not a bad curve of events. ]
I'm a good thing, am I? [ dry, still, but not without a verbal doffing of the cap. ] I suppose I should count myself fortunate for the approval of his friends.
Shall I be honest for a turn? [ a snort of nearly-laughter. ] It never really had the opportunity to 'work' before, either. Steve never even asked me for a date until he was already crashing -- at the time, it all felt very tragic.
Lately, it's more like annoying. [ with him in the fleet, it strips the moment of its rawer pain and she's left wondering how one man who's so brave could equally be so cowardly. ]
Leave it to him to finally find the guts when there's no chance he'll have to follow through. [She shakes her head a little. She can imagine the frustration, and also how strange it would be to have that tragedy taken away.]
Should I ask if you'd rather move on yourself?
[Because maybe she already had. Natasha suspected she knew the answer already, but it deserved a nod.]
I didn't. Not for a very long time. [ she sounds tired. the harder question, however, would have been who she'd been keen to move along with. but daniel has his bride-to-be, now.
and jason... ]
But time marched on. I accepted the inevitable. Nothing much serious has come of it -- just as well, because a great deal of that 'moving on' found itself undone. Here.
[ there's no reason to hide it, really. merely seeing a man she'd taken for dead had brought a part of her back to life. ]
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the words hover there on the edges of her mouth -- sliding behind her teeth, like venom. it's a learned response from dozens (if not hundreds) of returned verbal jabs. how many in the new york office would whisper and chortle and reduce her down to nothing but 'captain america's girlfriend'? as though her career rests upon only those laurels. it takes a supreme self-control to reassure herself that natasha likely isn't coming at her with those same old accusations. it's hard to swallow, but this is likely well-intended. ]
I didn't. [ almost a stammer. here is a weakness in agent carter's iron-clad demeanor. ] He didn't. Only, we never...
It's not so simple.
[ neither of them are allowing it to be. ]
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It's only as complicated as the two of you make it. [Her voice has a low warmth in it as she answers.]
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Did he put you up to this? [ coward. but the unfairness of such an accusation settles like bile in her throat. peggy's agitation ebbs. in the space beyond her question, she appears almost apologetic. ]
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but she's not without her back-up plan: ] It's hardly fair to him. It could be that a second try at the same chance isn't what he needs. Natasha -- may I call you Natasha? [ barely a heartbeat's pause. ] I don't like talking about this. But I will, because you're his friend. And God knows I am grateful every time I am reminded that he is alive and he is surrounded by friends. He has the 21st century. It's not my place to meddle in that.
[ peggy is a part of steve's past. as much as she wants little more than to grab hold of him here and never let him go, she's cognizant of how re-entering his life might have dragged him backwards. ]
It's not his place to go steady with a ghost.
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And she listens, her gaze intent as she listens and takes it in. While she knows she's not going to agree, she wants to pay the other woman that respect. She sees she can't be as familiar with Peggy as with Steve.
No real surprise.]
If you don't mind me saying, you look pretty lively for a ghost.
[It's still a jibe, but Natasha crosses her arms, which forestalls conversation as effectively as if she had raised a hand. She's not a tall or a imposing woman, objectively, but her posture projects a clear sense of control.]
I get what you're saying, and I understand what's holding Steve back. He's afraid he'll lose you. He's here and he's got you and Barnes, and he's got the Avengers. But he's lost a lot—all of us, at one point or another.
But being afraid you'll lose something again isn't a good reason not to grab onto something that's right in front of you and you are right in front of him.
Alive.
Young.
Large as life.
She raises her chin, her lips tightening and lashes fluttering briefly before she continues.
You're both right that this won't last, but nothing does. In our line of work? Any of us could be dead next week. [Example: Peggy dying the day of the UN bombing.] Any day there could be a mission, and we have to choose between the mission and running away with someone you're crazy about. But being fragile or brief doesn't make what we have less precious.
Just the opposite.
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peggy relents, but only so far as needed to take a seat on the corner of a latched crate. ] He told me his team was solid. He warned me you were good. [ a wry, mirthless smile. look at her, taking advice from a russian-trained spy. the world is very different to how it once was. ]
If I asked you whether he's found anyone else -- would you tell me the truth? Would it be a useless line of questioning?
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[Natasha knows that kind of question isn't satisfied so easily.]
Is there an answer that will really make you happy?
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[ and how cruel would that be? tying him to a dead relationship with new feelings on the horizon. she's sensitive to the possibility for no other reason than she can empathize with it. ]
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[Then adding, for context.]
Not for lack of encouragement. No offense, but I'd have liked to see him getting out more.
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[ heaven knows, she's had to. ]
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But you're not going to be breaking up any happy homes.
[Things might get awkward if Sharon shows up, but Natasha can't be blamed for not knowing the extent of that. Or if she knows, considering it an acceptable risk.]
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[ she can't trust steve not to lie to her on this matter. to spare her feelings, or perhaps to preserve what they've only been flirting with for the time being. ]
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[A good one who's not above ratting out a friend for the right cause, apparently.]
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[ let's not be too coy. peggy rather likes it when he blushes. ]
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It was endearing.
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He's worse than a school-girl, sometimes.
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[Natasha is comfortably amused by that.]
You see why I felt like I had to get involved. Normally I'd let my friends handle heir own love lives, but when that friend is Steve...
He'll just Steve himself right out of a good thing.
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I'm a good thing, am I? [ dry, still, but not without a verbal doffing of the cap. ] I suppose I should count myself fortunate for the approval of his friends.
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[Natasha shrugs, philosophical about the fact that nothing lasts forever.]
What does in the end? It worked for a while.
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Lately, it's more like annoying. [ with him in the fleet, it strips the moment of its rawer pain and she's left wondering how one man who's so brave could equally be so cowardly. ]
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Should I ask if you'd rather move on yourself?
[Because maybe she already had. Natasha suspected she knew the answer already, but it deserved a nod.]
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and jason... ]
But time marched on. I accepted the inevitable. Nothing much serious has come of it -- just as well, because a great deal of that 'moving on' found itself undone. Here.
[ there's no reason to hide it, really. merely seeing a man she'd taken for dead had brought a part of her back to life. ]
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The supposed cameras don't do much for making it simple.
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