Genuine and honest it may be -- [ it's remarkable that she gives him that much, but maybe she wants it genuine and honest. she craves that bit of sincerity -- and no doubt courted it, just a little, when she'd greeted him with a kiss on his cheek. ]
But it's deflection all the same. You can't possibly think I'm so easily distracted. Flattery won't turn me off the topic.
[ and she doesn't shrink back from his look. instead, she meets it -- eyes lifting because of the difference in height. she curls a gloved hand around his elbow, pretending like she needs the extra support to keep from slipping in the snow.
truth is, she's more interesting in stopping him from storming off. ]
You're missing the part where we decide, together, what you're going to do about it.
[ -- not about the break, really. that's not peggy's business. but his sleep schedule and his pain and his overprotective nature that only feeds his guilt complex. ]
[ it's a state of being by now. occasionally better, occasionally worse. ]
I didn't have an anxiety attack in a month. I'm fine. the no sleep thing - it's not going to go away. it's been like that for years. I close my eyes and I see the end of the path. I can't change that.
[ and tony doubts anything will. ]
I've been worse than this. I'm not sure I can get better.
[ his protests don't fall on deaf ears. he's not wrong -- it's not a bad thing to acknowledge improvement, even if improvement doesn't actually fix the problem. but... ]
I think -- I think I want to believe that all of us can get better. [ she feels it bubble up like a borrowed philosophy. like a funny hidden twinge of optimism that was shared with her, once.
[ that's the worst bit. it's not an assumption nor a theory. he was shown, he had seen it. ]
what I saw the day the aliens came to new york and then later -- I close my eyes and I see it. I can't make it go away. it always comes back. they will, too and I can't stop it. there's too many things I can't do.
[ he echoes something he told pepper a little after the alien invasion. ]
[ and here they are: right back to this. this twisting muscle mass of toxic masculinity and overreaching responsibility. there's no gentle way to say it -- but at least she keeps walking with him, side by side, at a steady pace. and (for once) she doesn't deliver it like a scolding. ]
Sometimes, we have to accept our limits. It's rubbish -- but it's true. By your logic, Tony, I shouldn't be capable of getting a wink of sleep either.
[ because there are things on her horizon and she fails to stop them. what is future knowledge but a different kind of vision? she sighs. ]
When I found out what Stark Industries did, I stopped it. and I figured I'd never make weapons again but then Ultron - in the end, I went back to dad's old mantra of having the biggest stick.
[ he frowns and inhales, fills his lungs with crisp, chilly air. ]
you do a lot of good in your life. spoiler alert, you did good with me. I owe you a lot for that. I don't know if there's anyone out there I did good for.
[ he tried, yes. but trying is one thing and seeing it through is another. ]
[ there are no free lunches, no easy pats on the shoulder, no ribbons for participation in peggy's court of personal opinion. if tony is so convinced of his own nature then it's not her imperative to talk him out of it. but she can (just maybe) keep doing some of that good with him that he thinks so fondly upon. ]
Stop pitying yourself and start finding ways to do good for someone -- anyone.
[ it doesn't have to start with pepper. as she'd said: start thinking smaller. ]
Put down the stick and start holding out your hand. Palm up, if you must.
One of the superhero kids. I train him, I teach him physics, I make sure he eats something that isn't candy canes. he's a good one. I think he can do better than most of us Avengers.
[ -- this is a new piece of information. and it's rather endearing. downright sweet, peggy thinks, although she won't be telling him so. maybe there's just something in her heart which constricts just a little when she ears him articulate the words he's a good one and peggy doesn't even need to know the boy to know it's probably true. ]
But maybe, just maybe, what you're doing will someday help him meet a crises and help him sleep afterwards.
[ which is about as gentle a way as she can muster to say that doing good isn't about doing good for tony stark. this isn't about him. ]
[ he's not, of course. fine. but peggy knows which lies to leave him and which to puncture. so she nods her way through his claim and angles their path towards the mansion. ]
You called, yes. [ ... ] And I'll say I'm glad you did. My line is always open to you. I hope you know that.
Luckily for the pair of us, I'm no stranger to odd calls at odd hours.
[ not that she always responds immediately -- or even helpfully. she's cognizant that she doesn't want anyone, even him, to rely too heavily on routine. it's bad enough that her wednesday nights are spoken for.
bad enough that there's a pattern of behaviour, there, that she masks as best she can by remaining a little unpredictable in her response time. it doesn't change the fact that she is always -- eventually -- there for tony stark. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ he bites back on another smile in favor of a dramatic shake of his head. ]
seriously? you're going to have to make me take back a genuine, honest declaration of affection?
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But it's deflection all the same. You can't possibly think I'm so easily distracted. Flattery won't turn me off the topic.
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[ the state of the grass says just about enough, surely. ]
Pepper's here. I am going to get even less sleep than usual, I am depressingly sober and we're still on a break.
[ he gives her a look. ]
am I missing anything else?
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truth is, she's more interesting in stopping him from storming off. ]
You're missing the part where we decide, together, what you're going to do about it.
[ -- not about the break, really. that's not peggy's business. but his sleep schedule and his pain and his overprotective nature that only feeds his guilt complex. ]
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[ it's a state of being by now. occasionally better, occasionally worse. ]
I didn't have an anxiety attack in a month. I'm fine. the no sleep thing - it's not going to go away. it's been like that for years. I close my eyes and I see the end of the path. I can't change that.
[ and tony doubts anything will. ]
I've been worse than this. I'm not sure I can get better.
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I think -- I think I want to believe that all of us can get better. [ she feels it bubble up like a borrowed philosophy. like a funny hidden twinge of optimism that was shared with her, once.
softer, she adds: ] Even you.
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[ that's the worst bit. it's not an assumption nor a theory. he was shown, he had seen it. ]
what I saw the day the aliens came to new york and then later -- I close my eyes and I see it. I can't make it go away. it always comes back. they will, too and I can't stop it. there's too many things I can't do.
[ he echoes something he told pepper a little after the alien invasion. ]
the man in the can.
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Sometimes, we have to accept our limits. It's rubbish -- but it's true. By your logic, Tony, I shouldn't be capable of getting a wink of sleep either.
[ because there are things on her horizon and she fails to stop them. what is future knowledge but a different kind of vision? she sighs. ]
Don't make me quote Mister Jarvis at you again.
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[ he frowns and inhales, fills his lungs with crisp, chilly air. ]
you do a lot of good in your life. spoiler alert, you did good with me. I owe you a lot for that. I don't know if there's anyone out there I did good for.
[ he tried, yes. but trying is one thing and seeing it through is another. ]
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[ there are no free lunches, no easy pats on the shoulder, no ribbons for participation in peggy's court of personal opinion. if tony is so convinced of his own nature then it's not her imperative to talk him out of it. but she can (just maybe) keep doing some of that good with him that he thinks so fondly upon. ]
Stop pitying yourself and start finding ways to do good for someone -- anyone.
[ it doesn't have to start with pepper. as she'd said: start thinking smaller. ]
Put down the stick and start holding out your hand. Palm up, if you must.
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[ what, surely it's a start. ]
One of the superhero kids. I train him, I teach him physics, I make sure he eats something that isn't candy canes. he's a good one. I think he can do better than most of us Avengers.
[ and so. ]
still doesn't help me sleep.
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But maybe, just maybe, what you're doing will someday help him meet a crises and help him sleep afterwards.
[ which is about as gentle a way as she can muster to say that doing good isn't about doing good for tony stark. this isn't about him. ]
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[ she's trying for his sake, tony understands this much. Tough love that turned a bit softer. ]
I'm fine. I called you didn't I? If it becomes worse, I'll call again.
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You called, yes. [ ... ] And I'll say I'm glad you did. My line is always open to you. I hope you know that.
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[ so, indeed. he knows. ]
but don't worry. I'll be sure to tell you all about my troubles.
[ aka today at 2 am he'll text her that he's dying for a burger. ]
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[ not that she always responds immediately -- or even helpfully. she's cognizant that she doesn't want anyone, even him, to rely too heavily on routine. it's bad enough that her wednesday nights are spoken for.
bad enough that there's a pattern of behaviour, there, that she masks as best she can by remaining a little unpredictable in her response time. it doesn't change the fact that she is always -- eventually -- there for tony stark. ]